It’s Hogmanay, New Year’s Eve, the last day of 2018, and I sit here with a list of resolutions, swayed not by the common pitchfork attitude of how awful the “new year, new me” community is, and instead I vow to myself to, like that crowd, keep trying. To try HARDER. These resolutions are not ways to revamp my whole life, or completely change. They are meant to be encouraging, thankful that we are given fresh starts. We get the blessing to wake up at least one more time, so why NOT serve to do better? In full disclosure, its January 2nd. I’ll forgive myself for the procrastination…
2018 started for me with a sense of finding my new direction. To move forward and to be the new best Debbie I could possibly be. (I still stick with that resolution). I was about to embark on my first full year in a new state, I aspired to meet new friends, and I wanted to be making my family proud as I worked very diligently being our only breadwinner, as my veteran husband finished up his degree, until we could be both working again. Lastly, I also wanted to see my daughters succeed, and had all of the typical, and also far-fetched, hopes parents have for their children. I ended the year crying, feeling like I failed, and none of my hopes came to fruition.
I won’t bring you down with the detailed unfolding of the failures. I’ll save them for future blogs. I will summarize, and say that I felt the cold hand of the empty nester, I am learning how to parent a daughter with severe emotional disorders, I overcame loneliness in feeling like an outsider who couldn’t meet a new “tribe, and I have struggled to keep us afloat, so my confidence plummeted.
What I HAVE learned, is to be my own best friend. To give myself grace, and a LOT of it. To shorten my to-do lists, and to feel less “hustle”, and more presence, in my daily life. To actually practice more self-care, and fill my cup before pouring what I don’t have into the cups of others. It IS okay if I don’t mark off everything on my daily to-do lists. Life will go on anyway. Its okay that I don’t have a 6 pack of beautiful abs: I am healthy, and worked out, and tried. My goal there is 4-5 times a week, and run 6 5K races this year. And, by “run”, I mean walk/jog/stumble/dance distractedly to my iPod. I’m okay looking the way I do. So are you. Its okay that I didn’t win glorious awards, and photographic accolades, because my clients smiled when they received their images, and referred me to their friends and family members, which is what I do this for anyway. Its okay that I struggled in motherhood. Each year brings fresh challenges, with no guidebook, and I have to wing things, and fight my way through them, often without achieving what I wanted to do, sometimes with tears, and (more than I wanted to), with some yelling and fights. However my girls were loved, taken care of, fed, clothed and encouraged. Ive also sadly lost some friendships that I cared deeply about, and that has to be okay too. I really have to accept the seasons of the relationships that enter my life.
God has placed new people in my life, who not only come with a friendship, but have opened my eyes to how possible my dreams really are, potential new paths I can walk, and showed me you are never too old to start something new. I’ve learned that I can’t go forward while looking back. I want to grow. I want my personal life, my home base AND my business all to be more honed in, and to remove the things I do not need, in order to make the BEST life possible.
I’ve taken the steps to do that. I continue growing, and education, with my friend and mentor. I am launching the first Texas chapter of Business Among Moms. I am speaking locally for other amazing networking groups. I am accepting. Of the good, the bad, the unfinished, the pants that no longer fit, the goals I didn’t complete. I’m learning to see the beauty in the pain I’ve gone through, and the power it can teach, as I share that vulnerability with others.
2019 will NOT get away from me. Happy New Year.